The Remarkable Sight

There once was a girl called Lulu. She was a girl who always found things. One a sunny day she was walking home from school and to a most peculiar sight there were `

Oh my she was so surprised by what she discovered a remarkable sight of elves and fairies. There lived a fairy called Twinkle and she wore a yellow dress. Twinkle saw that above her was a gigantic foot however the foot was actually Lulu’s foot. Lulu’s foot walked gingerly over the fairies and elves. But Twinkle said “hello” in her  squeakiest voice. Lulu heard Twinkle and said…  

By Sophia

2 thoughts on “The Remarkable Sight

  1. Hi Sophia,

    Your idea for your story was good, however you must proofread your work more carefully. Your third sentence doesn’t make sense: “One a sunny day she was walking home from school and to a most peculiar sight there were ”

    Your second paragraph also opens with a confusing sentence. It would have been better to write: “Oh my!” she exclaimed. She was so surprised by the remarkable sight she discovered. There were elves and fairies dancing under an enormous tree.” … or something like that.

    A cliff hanger doesn’t always work. In your writing, there isn’t a lot of suspense built up so the … at the end doesn’t work particularly well.

    I look forward to seeing you writing develop further each week.

    From Ms Fitzgerald

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